A brief oral history of farming and other more interesting things

Can you call something an oral history if it’s in someone’s mind? An oral mental history.

Hi. Hola. Bonjour.

(I don’t know how to spell bonjour, and the spell checker thing offered ‘bourbon instead, which I know is wrong, but I was tempted to put anyway.)

Now that we got the greetings out of the way, here’s some fiction! Some of this is in One Little Lie, and some of it is extra.

I don’t think you need a lot of background information to understand this scene, but just in case, Ryan and his dad are going to build a barn. Maybe. Ryan’s dad is trying to teach him things, and because Ryan is Ryan, it’s not going great.

 ~~~

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It was a nice spring afternoon. My father and I stood outside in the light with nothing around to provide shade, but the sun felt nice on my skin. We were out back on our property, surveying the spot where our old barn used to be. Did this count as exercise? I was totally going to count this as exercise.

My dad’s family used to have their own farm, but it took a lot of work. The Miller operation used to be family owned and run, so there wasn’t a big budget to hire new staff with once the number of family members dwindled. Grandpa came from a bigger family, but Dad only had a brother who didn’t live in the area anymore. I was an only child, and Mom had died when I was young.

We didn’t have livestock anymore but that could change once we had a barn again. Dad had traded favors with a bunch of guys he knew to help knock the old structure down after he, Luke, and me attempted it ourselves, and he paid a crew to remove the remains.

There were some supplies at our feet like a big sketch pad, pencils, a tape measurer, and even a freaking protractor that was metal and different from the one I had to get for school. My dad owned a protractor. I really needed to mock him for that.

Before I could, he turned to me and asked, “So what’s the first thing we should do?”

“Go inside and order a pizza?” I suggested even though I didn’t have much hope the answer would be yes.

Dad sighed, though it was more for show than out of true annoyance. He had a pretty high tolerance for annoyance, which he had me to thank for. “I’m going to force this knowledge into your brain one way or another,” he informed me. “So you could at least cooperate.”

Learning about blueprints and construction probably wasn’t the worst idea in the world. I already had some experience as I built a dunk tank for a science project, and there were all kinds of engineering jobs out there in the mythical Real World for science nerds like me that might require these skills.

Still, being totally obtuse made this way more fun for me. I feigned obliviousness. “It’s a barn. Build a big square and put some dividers in it, how hard could that be?”

Dad smacked me lightly on the head. “You can’t even understand how dumb you sound right now.”

Father of the Year, right there.

 

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To be or not to be, the gay superhero version

Today in, I should probably find something to talk about, there’s an actress who was totally around before Twilight. She’s been in other things, guys, don’t worry about Twilight.

Do I sound defensive? My friends don’t like Kristen Stewart, so maybe I’m a little defensive. Not sure I need to make this part clear, but when I say my friends, I mean my straight friends.

 

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Photo from NY Times

While I definitely wouldn’t rule out that I’d talk about Kirsten Stewart for no reason, I have a reason.

Kristen Stewart really wants to play a gay superhero, which is a strange coincidence because I really want her to play a gay superhero. We have so much in common! Kristen Stewart is my new bestie.

I have friends that hate her and I always defend her, though sometimes my argument is “gay” as in, she’s gay. So. That’s in her favor. My friends never seem to accept that as enough.

Why do I feel the need to always write out Kristen Stewart instead of just using her first or last name? No idea. Kristen Stewart,

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New NEW Charlie’s Angels. Pic from YouTube

Everything has remakes these days and I’m not one to lament that and wonder why nobody comes up with anything new anymore, but it is a little bizarre that more and more remakes have remakes. I’m not sure how well this translates to me saying I’m excited about the new Charlie’s Angels thing, but I am excited about the new Charlie’s Angels thing.

Finally, Stewart (Kristen) talked about how she wanted to play a gay superhero and how people told her, hey, you should be less gay if you wanna be in a superhero movie at an interview with Anthony Mackie. People are jerks. But not Anthony Mackie.

This isn’t related to anything, but I’ve seen one Marvel movie, Iron Man. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen anything Anthony Mackie is in, but I like him. The Falcon was the first mainstream African American comic book hero, and I’m still not exactly sure how, but I also thought his character was the first gay black superhero. And, uh, apparently he’s not?

I have almost no interaction with the huge Marvel cinematic world or the fandom, so I was able to think this for years. Sometimes I’m still like, that guy is gay and then I remember, oh right, that’s not true.

Also, I maybe saw some or all of the Twilight movies. I can’t actually remember. I maybe liked them. In my defense, I was drunk, which is maybe why I can’t remember which ones I’ve seen.

Add don’t die to the end of all of these, a bucket list by Ryan Miller

I never run out of words to think, write, type, or other things you can do with words, until the moment I am supposed to use them for a purpose. Besides writing books, because that would be bad for an author to have trouble coming up with words.

Words are an important part of books. That was me either being super obvious or providing you with helpful information if you somehow had no idea what a book was.

The reason I couldn’t come up with anything to say for a moment is because it’s hard to know what to talk about when discussing a list of random, unrelated activities. Other than, hello, this is a list of random, unrelated activities.

Ryan comes up with a bucket list or a list of things to try or very dangerous ideas in One New Start.

Here are some items from the list that didn’t make it in, along with some that probably did, but don’t ask me to tell you the difference.

Ryan’s bucket list for senior year! *jazz hands*

Learn sweet dances and dance moves for prom
Play chicken in a tractor
Fire guns in the air like Yosemite Sam
Teach a robot how to love
Make friends with a robot
Dine and dash if that’s possible without the guilt eating me alive
Eradicate all guilt from the world without thinking of the consequences
Think of the consequences, go on an emotional journey
Write a book about my experiences while bringing back guilt
Be drag queen for a night? Include Zach, so he wont make fun of me if I’m an ugly girl.
Find perfect drag name.
Ryan… gender neutral, but not very exciting.
Go hunting if it’s not too gross and if there’s a way I won’t die.
Eat something deep fried at a fair and don’t die
Ride all the rides at an amusement park
Go to space
Drive over the grand canyon
Break a board in half with sweet karate moves
Make friends with a lion

Cookie Monster and Lizzo for some reason

Everything exists on the internet, especially things you wouldn’t expect to be real in a million years. And while a lot of this stuff is disturbing, some of it isn’t. Like, for example, a Lizzo and Cookie Monster collaboration.

Why did Cookie Monster and Lizzo remix her insanely popular song? I have no idea. Again, why? I still have no idea. It’s cute though.

It’s all on twitter right now, but who knows, she could on Sesame Street in a few months doing a duet with Cookie Monster.

More on Mondays, deleted scene

There’s a part in One Little Lie where there’s a Very Gay Double Date, and I had fun writing it, which is probably why there’s so much of it. Here’s a deleted scene.

Things to know: Ryan and Luke are dating. So are Lydia and Alicia. They’re in the car, heading to a gay club.

~

Ryan

Lydia and I had our differences, but I’d never loved her more. Her bad attitude and attempt to ruin our night meant that I wasn’t the one doing anything stupid. I was actually kinda relaxed. It was hard not to be. I got to sit in the front because my boyfriend was driving. That was one of those little, totally insignificant things I never thought I’d get to do in high school; the kind of thing I wanted because I didn’t think I could have. Gotta say, it wasn’t bad.

The scenery outside was miles of boring, flat farmland, so I looked at Luke instead. Orange light spilled in the car then faded and the shadows played across his face. He occasionally took my hand and held it while he drove. Totally unsafe but I couldn’t protest. I was too busy being happy and soaking up this moment in case the first double date nerves came back.

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“Um, Ryan,” came Alicia’s voice from the backseat, “Did you want any of our beverages? Because now is the time as, uh, we’ve almost drank them all.” ‘We’ was more like Lydia but I didn’t call her on it and declined a drink.

I got high on life. Which sounded lame, but I just didn’t drink very often. I had poor reflexes and an inability to keep my thoughts to myself at the best of times, so I didn’t need help from alcohol to make a fool of myself.

“It’s okay, you can drink,” Luke told me.

I eyed him. “You’re just saying that so you can take advantage of me,” I accused. Though if that was the case, why was I objecting? He could totally get me drunk and take advantage of me.

He rolled his eyes. “I mean it; you’re a fun drunk.” Maybe I was warming up to alcohol.

I turned around to look at the girls and perhaps ask for some of the alcohol, but Lydia had her head tipped back as she drained the rest of the liquid. The long, pale line of her neck didn’t do anything for me, but it distracted Alicia enough that she didn’t notice my gaze. Huh. How did that work? She liked the way Lydia looked but didn’t want to do anything about it?

Well, probably. You didn’t have to want to hump something to appreciate its aesthetic value, otherwise museums and art galleries would be really weird.

I turned back to Luke. “No, if you’re not drinking I won’t either. Solidarity boo.”

Luke’s hand went from the wheel to land on my thigh, squeezing once and then pulling away. That moment was way better than booze.

~

Life Advice I’ve Never Taken: You need to calm down

This song is life, according to a friend of mine. If you disagree, take it up with Megan.

Every famous gay person in the world is in this video, so I’m posting it. There will be enough times when I’m off topic, but as every famous gay person in the world is in this video, this doesn’t count. I’m barely even exaggerating.

Once, I saw something where Taylor Swift was called Gaylor Swift. In an affectionate way, naturally. That’s maybe not that clever, but I remembered it.

More on Mondays: Now with More Puppy

My dog didn’t get a lot of exercise or outside time today because it’s been gloomy and rainy all day, so perhaps I should have expected when we went out on the deck and it started raining. As I’m in the process of moving in and outside, and this is the second time I’ve done that while trying to write this blog post, I’m not even gonna try to connect what I’m saying now to anything relevant.

Sometimes I say something and then immediately contradict myself, which is a Ryan thing. Ryan is from the novel I’m about to share an extended scene from. See, now the random stuff I’m talking about is related!

Additionally, it’s hard to think of stuff to say when there is a nearby dog barking her head off. Not really sure what she’s barking at, because she’s looking up. She does bark at birds, but there aren’t any birds, or planes, or flying men with capes.

She doesn’t like stay inside days. I’d say she gets crazy, but really she gets crazier, which is also a Ryan thing.

Have I posted a picture of my dog yet? I’m asking in a rhetorical manner because I’m totally about to regardless of what the answer is.

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This sums up her current mood pretty well.

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But this works too.

Okay, only one more I swear, I need one where she doesn’t look miserable.

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Man, she’s great. Even though she’s barking again.

Without further ado, unless I think of more ado, here is something from One New Start. Available now! Which is new development, which is why exclamation. !!!

In this part, Ryan and Luke are boyfriends about to have an adventure. The adventure involves devious behavior and being up to no good. There are many reasons Ryan would be a bad criminal, and some of them are mentioned here.

~~~

Ryan

Still not going along with the incognito part of the plan, or being very bad at it if he was, Luke used his turn signal and still hadn’t cut the lights as we approached our destination. Yet he told me, “We probably shouldn’t talk when we get out.”

“I’ve been practicing my whispering voice!”

I didn’t try to whisper that, so it’s okay I said it at a volume that made Luke wince.

“It’s still too loud,” he assured me. The car slowed down.

“You haven’t even heard it.”

“Still, I’m right, aren’t I?” he replied without taking his eyes off the road.

… My vocal chords just weren’t capable of whispering. Luke didn’t have to be so accurate. “Stupid Luke,” I grumbled.

“You said that out loud,” he pointed out.

“I’m aware, stupid Luke.”

“May be stupid Luke, but I’m your Genius.” Oh pet names, my only weakness besides all the other ones. Luke slowed the car and parked, giving me a grin.

I glared. “No, this is dangerous and wrong and hot, not sweet!

He shrugged. “Can’t help being sweet, just who I am.”

We got out of the car.

The plan was to go in, get the job done, and get out. Smash and grab. Well, no grabbing. We would save the grabbing for later, wink-wink, nudge-nudge. We’d just smash. Wait, that was dirty too, wasn’t it? Everything was dirty these days, what was wrong with people?

This might not have helped with the tough, ruthless thing I was trying to do, but Luke and I held hands while we worked our way through the darkness. I could try going it alone… I’d fall over a zillion times. Also, Luke’s hand in mine. I may be a criminal now, but I wasn’t gonna turn down a good thing.

Books, bowling, boys, and possibly even more B words!

One New Start is available now!

I’m so proud of myself! Not for writing a book, I mean, I guess for that too. Mostly because I’m actually posting on the day it’s released. I’m a serious author, don’t I always do that? Cue the nervous bisexual laughter.

Anyway, let’s focus on the positives. Like One New Start! Available now.

Here’s an excerpt. Ryan and Luke are on a double date at a bowling alley. Ryan has never bowled before but that’s not going to stop him from dominating. (it probably will stop him but shhh, he believes)

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Ryan

I looked to the… playing area where I would soon have to throw the thing into the other things. How many balls did I get to throw? The other people were only sending one ball at a time. That didn’t seem right. I had two hands. And also two feet.

I watched for a few moments, but yeah, everyone only sent one ball down the hallway at a time. Maybe they were all doing it wrong? I glanced at the people I came here with. Lydia smirked at me as I realized this might prove challenging.

I turned back to Luke. “If I don’t knock them all down, I’ll throw my shoes at the pins,” I decided sensibly. “That’s what the shoes are for.”

“That’s… well.” Luke thought about it, then nodded. “Okay, as long as you’ve got a plan.”

There was that whole thing where he wanted to keep me from hurting myself and others, so normally he wouldn’t agree to me wildly throwing things. However, if there was a competition, all bets were off. Unless the contest was betting and then bets were totally on.

I looked to the… playing area where I would soon have to throw the thing into the other things. How many balls did I get to throw? The other people were only sending one ball at a time. That didn’t seem right. I had two hands. And also two feet.

I watched for a few moments, but yeah, everyone only sent one ball down the hallway at a time. Maybe they were all doing it wrong? I glanced at the people I came here with. Lydia smirked at me as I realized this might prove challenging.

I turned back to Luke. “If I don’t knock them all down, I’ll throw my shoes at the pins,” I decided sensibly. “That’s what the shoes are for.”

“That’s… well.” Luke thought about it, then nodded. “Okay, as long as you’ve got a plan.”

There was that whole thing where he wanted to keep me from hurting myself and others, so normally he wouldn’t agree to me wildly throwing things. However, if there was a competition, all bets were off. Unless the contest was betting and then bets were totally on.

Meeting the parents is always awkward. Even (or especially) if you aren’t really dating.

On Wednesdays, we wear pink. But on Mondays, we post outtakes from novels. Or at least I do. It’s fetch? No, stop trying to make fetch happen. I got started on a Mean Girls thing and now I can’t stop. Or maybe I can.

Alright. This is a deleted scene from One Little Lie. The first one was about fake dating, and this is the second one, which is totally different. And also about fake dating.

Luke and Ryan fake dated in the first book, due to Reasons That Made Sense at the Time, but they’re real dating in this one. As Luke and his friend Lydia aren’t ready to come out yet, they pretend to date each other instead. This is where Luke is about to meet Lydia’s parents.

~~~

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Luke

My parents were like… damn, I should have asked Ryan for a simile. Introducing them to Lydia was super easy, so they were something like that. Lydia’s parents were the opposite of whatever the super easy thing was. I wasn’t very good at this to begin with and then having to smile and make nice with the homophobes…

No, Lydia’s parents. They were homophobes, but they were also Lydia’s parents. This was important to her and I didn’t want to face her wrath. Ugh, there were so many reasons to be nervous I couldn’t pick just one.

“Do I need to take off my shoes when I get in there?” I asked. That had never been a house rule at any home I went to regularly, but maybe people with teenage boys gave up on cleanliness. Lydia shook her head.

We had just pulled up to the house in my car.

“Should I make the sign of the cross in front of them or something?” I asked next. They were religious.

“Relax.” She looked pretty calm, just uncomfortable. “I didn’t think I’d have to remind you we aren’t actually dating.”

“I know, but you’re, uh.” I sighed and rested my head against the headrest. “I know you need this. I don’t want to mess it up.”

“It’ll be fine.” She smiled and placed her hand on top of mine for a moment. “Thank you.”

We got out of the car and looked towards the house together. It was large enough for their big family but relatively small, like they had only as much as they needed, and the plants and decorations outside were sparse. There was a little stone cross decoration in one of the flower beds, and the area was neat and well-kept but modest.

Modest. That was a good word for the whole house. My parents liked having the nicest things, without being too flashy for a farming and agricultural community like this, but Lydia’s parents kept everything at a minimum. It was clean and simple with pale yellow paint on the house, but the light blue shutters looked pretty. Should I tell them that? I’d been a guest in people’s homes before but now I couldn’t remember how to act.

“Should I have brought a housewarming gift?” That was a thing people did on TV shows and in movies.

Lydia sent me a look that translated to stop being weird. “My parents have lived here since before I was born.”

“Oh. Should I have brought a gift for that?” I asked, unable to stop being weird. She grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

The Best Girl. Hey, asking for no reason, have I ever told you about my dog before?

Don’t worry, when I say the best girl ever, I’m not actually talking about a girl. Not a human one anyway. This blog is still primarily about MM. Or MLW, the gay, whatever you wanna call it, even though I myself am super bi. But not Super Bi, an amazing queer superhero with a pink, purple and blue cape.

I’ve mentioned, but not shown pics of my girl, Wu. That’s dumb, since she’s really cute and also I love talking about her and will often do so without reason or prompting of any kind. Like right now. Well, I have reason. The reason is this: I want to.

Here she is.

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Her interests include squirrels, barking her head off, especially barking her head off at squirrels but still a favorite hobby even without them, food, walks, people and then food walks and people again. I don’t know what kind of dog she is, she’s stubby and adorbs.

I had a moment of pure panic where I was overwhelmed with choices and didn’t know which picture to choose, so I forced myself to just pick one. And then I remembered that I could post another picture.

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